


This I love

by ohwosehun



Category: EXO
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:26:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24994597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohwosehun/pseuds/ohwosehun
Summary: Woman suffers through a traumatic event, and finally reaches a breaking point.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (PS— listen to “Last Kiss” by Taylor Swift and “This I Love” by Guns N’ Roses for the whole feel.)

"Hey, you wanna get a drink?" Baekhyun asked his friend. She had been down ever since Chanyeol had left, he had asked her so many times if she wanted to talk but her answer had always been I'm fine. There wasn't much that he could do, they were all grieving over the fact that Chanyeol left but he was hers. It doesnt make sense, but it does, they belong to one another and now that he was gone half of her went with him, the half that she needed the most.

"No thanks, Baek," she mumbled barely registering the fact that he had even said anything to her, she was trying her hardest to bury herself in work. As soon as a promotion would end she would start another with a different group, she went home about three times a month, she had practically moved into the building offices. She didn't want to be anywhere near her apartment, it was a constant reminder of... Him. You wouldn't think it would, you would think that the office was, well it was too, but her place was worse. She would sit on her couch and remember all of the times that they had both sat there watching movies and being themselves. She missed that the most, the times she was able to show her real self with someone.  
'Maybe that's why he left?' Was a very constant thought that would pop into her head, and there were times that she believed it.

"Baby-girl come on, you haven't left that desk in what a week now?" Sehun piped up, he was hurting for her everyone in the company was. No one knew what to do, this was Chanyeol’s area of expertise. All anyone could do was wait for her to get better, and by wait, they meant pray. She doesn't just "get better" she hides it till she can't any longer.

"I said no, Sehun," she stressed looking up at him, but when his eyes went wide she looked back down. She couldn't imagine what she looked like, red eyed, hollowed cheeks, permanent tear trails down her faces.  
"I really think it would be good for you," Baekhyun tried again, he got a warning look from Sehun and knew that he might be pushing a little hard and judging by her response, he knew he pushed way too hard.  
"What, you want me to be like my father? You think everytime I get upset I should go and drink?" She snapped standing, all eyes were on her at the moment, Junmyeon had even stepped up, ready to dismiss the situation if needed. 

"No, that's not what he was trying to say and you know that," Sehun said to her she looked at him, and he swore he could see the last string that was holding her together break.

"I don't know anything anymore," she whispered, she grabbed her phone and ignoring the worried stares she was getting from everyone she left. No one knowing where she was going and if she was coming back.

Walking down a street she wasn't used too she shivered feeling the cold start to seep into her light coat. Grabbing the sides she clutched it as if it were her last life line. She didn't know what she was going to do, or where she was going to go but she had to go. He was consuming her thoughts, like always. As she walked down a road she had no recollection of she thought of the one other time she had felt like this and how he had been there for her.

—x—  
"Chanyeol, please just leave me alone," she whispered sliding down the wall beside her front door, he was on the other side and swore that no matter what happened he wasn't going to leave her.  
"He knew you didn’t mean it," Chanyeol whispered sliding down the door as well knowing that she wasn't going to let him. He was horrified to see her like this, she was scared he knew it, though she had never said it, he just knew.  
"He was a kid Yeol," She whispered clutching her knees into her chest praying that he wouldn't hear her crying, but of course he did. Her small whimpers every now and then ripped him to pieces.  
"Baby, he didn't have a good life," Chanyeol said, staring at the cream colored wall beside her neighbors door across the hall, if he had to admit he was scared for her. To see her show this kind of emotion was so foreign to him, he didn't know what to do but tell her the truth. "He grew up badly, he was suffering."  
"He was 15 Chanyeol!" She cried into her legs her fingernails digging into her forearms, as she clutched her knees to her chest. "He was in my way, I didn’t see him," she whispered her voice getting lower but the pitch higher as she continued on, all he could do was listen. "I didn’t know until I felt it," she almost squeaked out the last part. "Chanyeol I killed an unarmed worried, scared, hurting child!"  
"My love, he was in a bad spot, there was no way to stop it," Chanyeol said to her, he couldn't take this anymore. He could hear her crying, he could hear the sound of her body crying out every sadness it had ever encountered. Though he was out here for her, she was still alone and wanted her to know that no matter what happened she wouldn't be alone, ever again.  
Slipping his key in the lock and turning it, he swore that he heard her crying become deeper; he knew that him seeing her like this would change her forever, he didn't know if it was going to a bad change or a good one, but she was going to be different afterwards. They were going to be different.  
"Come here," he whispered sitting next to her on the floor shutting the door so he could lean against it. Grabbing the underside of her knees and holding her back he brought her stiff form into his lap. "Let it out," he said softly into her hair and he held her tightly to himself, he felt her arms reach around his neck and then he felt the sting of her tears on his neck as if they were his own. To his surprise they were his own, both of them hanging on to one another crying for so many different reasons. The main one being themselves.  
—x—

She reached up to wipe her tears away along with memory continued down the sidewalk. It was dark, she was no where near any street lights, but she knew where she was going now. She was going... nowhere.

—

“Hyung, I'm really worried," Sehun said as they continued to call and call her cell but getting no response. "She wasn't looking too good when she left."

"I know Sehun," Junmyeon sighed walking out of the room where Minseok, Yixing, and him were talking. Standing in the conference room he whistled and got everyones attention. "We have an prominent producer missing, may be suicidal, she is our priority!" Junmyeon said taking a walk to the white board, with the piece of paper in his hands. He was sure that the nervous sweat that was building up in his palm had soaked through the thin sheet. Placing the same photo that was on her company ID on the board he completed it with the sound of tape slapping against the board.

"Jun, can I?" Minseok asked when Junmyeon had returned to the empty room, he had the phone already in his hand. Junmyeon looked between the man then at the board in the other room that had the photo of the second woman that he cared more about than life itself, before he nodded.

"Call him," he whispered.

—

"Hey it's me," she whispered in a higher voice with tears streaming down her face, she was trying so hard not to break. "I know you don't want to talk to me, I get that I mean if you did you would have right?" She said with a bitter chuckle into the phone, she had called praying that she would actually get him to answer but no luck. "I just wanted to say goodbye, and that I am sor-" she heard the line die, shaking her head she pulled her phone from her ear to see that she had lost signal. Sighing she squeezed the phone as tight in her hand as she could before she threw it, deep into the field beside her. She seen it land, the light on her screen turned black just like everything inside of her.

—

"MQ, I have to go!" Chanyeol yelled running down the stairs of his studio probably interrupting everyone, but now wasn't the time.

"What do you mean you have to go?" He asked coming out of his individual recording room, he watched as he frantically started getting dressed almost slipping and falling.

"It's her," he said in a pained voice. "She left."  
"Left?" MQ asked confused, he knew how strong his friends relationship was with her and he also knew that there was nothing anyone could do to change it. Quite frankly he didn't think that anyone would want to change it, she loved Chanyeol, she would always love Chanyeol. When he asked him to take a break and move away for a bit, he died everyday, and he m knew that is was because he didn't have her by his side. The Chanyeol that was standing in front of him was the first time he had seen the real Chanyeol in two years, and it was because something was wrong with her.

"They can't find her," he whispered slipping into his shoes looking up at him with a heartbroken expression. "She ran off, ditching her phone along the way. They said that she has gotten so bad since I left," he told her his voice cracking as he spoke. "They think that they lost her."

"Go find her Chan," MQ said softly handing him his keys, as he nodded his head.

"Thank you, hyung," he said to him, he nodded with a understanding smile.

"I know," he murmured as he placed reassuring hand on his shoulder. As he looked again, he was gone.

He slumped against the kitchen counter praying that wherever she was, she would be safe. He would hate to see what would happened to Chanyeol had he been too late.

—

"I got here as soon as I could," Chanyeol said as he rushed into the conference room, his heart was beating as fast as everyone was moving. Everyone's eyes were on him and he could feel their anger like he could feel his own, and he couldn't help but agree with them. He left her and he knew the toll it would take on her, it was taking a toll on him and he was the one who left. He always planned on coming back he just wasn't sure how he was going to do it.

"How nice of you to finally show up," Kyungsoo quipped from his spot by the board  
"I got here as fast as I can, it's not my fault there was a lot of traffic," Chanyeol huffed walking up to the bored, he felt so at home but out of place.

"That's the thing though, you bastard," Sehun snapped, all of his anger that had been bottling up for Chanyeol was suddenly about to be released. "You left her! This is your fault, you broke her! She was already hurting and you just had to kick her down. Man, what the hell is your problem!" Sehun growled shoving Chanyeol hard enough for him to lose his balance but was thankful that there was a table behind him.

"I know," Chanyeol told him, and he did he knew this was all his fault. He was madder at himself then everyone else was, he was hurting too though. He deserved all of this and more.

"Yeah do you?" Junmyeon piped up he wasn't much for in house arguments, but he was so mad, or sad? He was just upset in so many ways. This was his only little girl, he watched her grow over the years, he was the one to convince her to put her trust in Chanyeol; and this was how he was repaid. "She is in pain, and she has been for a long time now. She called you, where were you?" Junmyeon asked him his anger being replaced with a deep sadness in his voice.

"I was," Chanyeol paused and didn't even bother telling anyone because the truth was not what they wanted, they wanted to hear that he was in the hospital or in some other country doing amazing things; when in reality he was at his studio, fighting with his employees, just like any other day. "What do we have?" He asked with a sigh as he pointed to the board.

Shaking their heads at his horrible excuse they turned and started to fill him in. "She was last seen leaving here," Sehun said waving his arm around to show that he meant the squad room.

"Did anyone track her phone? What was the last call she made?" Chanyeol asked trying to think of all the places that she could go.

"Yeah," Jongin said almost sarcastically, of course they checked her phone. "That's what Jun was saying, she called you. You got her last call," Jongin said with a defeated sigh.  
"Don't talk like that," Sehun said shoving him, they had to stay positive, if not for themselves then for her.

"I never got a call?" Chanyeol said confused as he pulled out his phone, but sure enough he had a voicemail notification. "I never heard it ring, I swear!" He said holding the phone out in front of him as if it were on fire. "I—I...”

"Just listen to it!" Sehun growled, Chanyeol swallowed looking at the men he used to call family all scowling at him he called his voicemail and put it on speaker. Punching in his code, her voice filled the soundless room.

"Hey it's me," she started and all the men could hear that she was crying, it was so easy to hear. "I know you don't want to talk to me, I get that I mean if you did you would have right?" Then a bitter laugh filled the room, and all men were glaring at Chanyeol. He closed his eyes in defeat as he continued to listen. "I just wanted to say goodbye, and that I am sor—" and that was it, all men closed their eyes now.

"Goodbye?" Jongdae whispered knowing exactly what that meant, his friend has committed suicide and he wished he had payed attention to the signs; and again he failed, but this time it was her. The one woman who had kept all of their spirits uplifted, the one who cared more for everyone then she did herself.

—x—  
"Oh Minseokkie!" She laughed in a sing song walking out of Jongdae’s room holding a cake, everyone started laughing.  
"Oh come on!" Minseok said with a sarcastic grin. "How did you know it was my birthday?!" He chuckled, Chanyeol came up behind him and placed a party hat on his head.  
"Well a man only turns a hundred once," Sehun joked lighting the candles on the cake as she sat the cake on the counter.  
"You didn't think we would forget did you?" She said wrapping his arms around him and dramatically swaying. "Happy birthday Minnie!" She whispered clutching him, before pulling back.  
"Thanks little one," he smiled holding her at his side, she looked at everyone in the room and nodded then they all started to sing Happy Birthday.  
"You have to blow them out or your wish doesn't come true!" She giggled nudging him.  
"But I have everything that I have right here!" He said motioning to his members.  
"Oh come on, don't give us that crap! She made you a cake blow out the candles!" Chanyeol said throwing a paper ball at him.  
"Ow! You can't hurt the birthday boy!" Minseok joked holding his arm as if he were just shot.  
"Just blow out the candles!" She exclaimed, he rolled his eyes and a smirk covered his face as he blew them out. Everyone applauded and laughed, there were even a few cheers... From her.  
"Okay, now get back to work!" Minseok chuckled walking back to his closed off room and just like that his "party" was over.  
"Well that was fun while that lasted," Minseok laughed scraping icing off the side of the cake and sticking his finger in his mouth.  
"It's not over, yet," She told him. "I got you a date tonight," she told him with a smirk.  
"Is it you?" He joked, she put her hand to her chest and mocked a blush.  
"You wish," she said giving his arm a slight smack. "But no, she is a really good friend of mine and I know you two are going to be perfect together!" She smiled at him but then her face went straight and she ran to her bag, he watched her confused but she came back with a very small wrapped box.  
"You really went all out didnt you?" He asked her, and she smiled and wagged her eye brows. He smirked as he opened it, he seen that it was a box of paper clips. "Uhh?"  
"I know you were running low, you throw at Jongdae all the time when he falls asleep," she told him and they both looked at Jongdae to see that he was starting to doze off. "See, give it a try, they are the small ones so they go farther." Minseok looked at her for a moment before taking one out and throwing at Jongdae, he snorted and sat up giving her and Minseok a glare and they both burst out laughing.  
—x—

She slowly walked into her childhood home, almost gagging at how strong the alcohol stunk up the place. She knew that even though her father was dead she could always count on his supply. Walking through the house she went to flip a switch but then rolled her eyes realizing that no one had lived here in a while, there wouldn't be any lights.

She had only been here a few times after her father died, normally during the day, and normally she would drive instead of walking the long way. Her father had this house stocked with booze and that was what she was thankful for, when she would have a bad case she would come here and drink. Not to much to the point that she couldn't drive back home, but enough to feel a little better. After Chanyeol left she was here almost every night, but she would drink herself into a deep sleep most of the time she would be late to work the next morning but no one ever said anything to her. How could they?

Walking to her father's room she opened the bedside cabinet and grabbed the bottle of her favorite wine, unscrewing the cap she took a long drink and laid back on the bed. She stared at the fireplace across the room, right there on the mantle was the photo of her father and her, she couldn't help but laugh. Last time she seen her father she swore that no matter what happened in her life she would never end up like her father.

"The irony," she chuckled before her crooked smile turned to a cooked frown, she shook her head as she tried to down the bottle but failed and sat up as she choked slightly. Wiping her face with the back of her hand she sighed as she stared down at the bottle. "How did things get so bad?" She asked herself as tears started to well in her eyes, sighing and shaking her head once more she set the bottle on the table beside her and grabbed what she really needed. The strong stuff.

—

"Why would she be out there?" Chanyeol wondered out loud staring at the spot where her phone had cut off at. He was drawing complete blanks. "What did she say before she left?" Chanyeol asked again trying to get a feel on her emotions.

"That she didn't know anything anymore," Kyungsoo told Chanyeol, Chanyeol nodded and continued to chew his lip. Why would she be this far out of town? He was trying to think of the last place that she had resigned at, would she even go to him if she was facing a problem. He shook his realizing how much he didnt even really know her.

"Her dads!" Junmyeon said all of the sudden, everyone's eyes went wide. "I remember after her dad died she asked me to drive her out there once to get some things!"

—x—  
"Hey Jun," She said softly knocking on his door and stepping in, he nodded and motioned for her to sit. "Thanks."  
"You know, you can take time off," he tried once more, he had been trying all day to get her to go home and rest. She was just delivered some horrible news but only claiming to be fine.  
"I'm okay," she told him swallowing the lump in her throat, she started to fiddle her fingers as she looked at the name tag on his desk. "I was uh, can you drive me somewhere?" She asked.  
"Somewhere?" Junmyeon questioned watching her get more and more nervous by the second.  
"Nevermind," she sighed standing rubbing her forehead, and he knew what she meant.  
"I will take you, I know cabs don't go that far out," Junmyeon said standing as well watching as she just kept her hand on the door knob of his office door.  
"I said nevermind, I'll figure it out," she told him turning to face him and he seen the tear trails on her face.  
"Come here," he said holding his arms out for her, she bit the inside of her cheek for a moment before taking his offer. Burying her face in his shoulder she started to cry. "You are in no condition to drive, I know that you don't like it when people do things for you but let me do this. Remember I went through this before," he said holding her as she silently cried. She nodded and pulled back wiping her face.  
"Thank you," she said sincerely, she had totally forgot that he lost the love of his life. "I'm such a mess," she chuckled running her fingers under her eyes and looking up at the ceiling, sucking a breath through her teeth. Junmyeon stood there shocked watching her as if she flipped a switch, she would never fail to amaze him with her ability to be so strong.  
"You don't have to thank me," he told her she smiled and nodded before excusing herself, Junmyeon stood there watching as she walked to her room, greeting Jongin and Kyungsoo along the way as if nothing had just happened. Shaking his head he sat at his desk knowing that sooner or later all of her feelings were going to build up and get the better of her, he just prayed she wouldn't do anything drastic when that time came.  
—x—

She groaned as she flipped through her father’s medicine cabinet, her father probably had every pill possible. Grabbing three prescribed bottles she slammed the mirror cabinet door, the glass shattering. She stood there for a moment staring at herself in the reflection, and as she thought before her eyes were surround by black rings, her eyes bloodshot and dark hollow cheeks. Staring at her for too long almost made you think she was doing drugs, she looked down at her body. All her clothes were like eight sizes too big, she might as well have been doing drugs at least she would have felt good for a few moments.

Closing her eyes she pressed on the lid of the bottle and twisted, the lid fell to the floor and she stared into the bottle. "Am I really going to do this?" She asked in almost a gasping cry. "I can't do this," she whispered lowering the container. "Anymore," she finished bring it to her mouth and throwing her head back, sure by now the pills were expired but they oughta kick in faster.

Walking back to her father’s room she dropped the bottle, before opening another and repeating the action. She tried to swallow realizing that she couldn't, she needed a drink. Slumping down beside her father’s bed, she grabbed whatever was closer to her, drowning not only the pills but her pain. Once they were inside her she let out a sigh. "I really did it," she cried tears streaming down her face. She changed her mind, she lent over and started to jab her fingers down her throat but she just couldnt do it. Nothing would come up, she started to become frantic. "Oh god what did I do!?" She gasped reaching for her pocket for her phone then realized that she threw it. "No no no!" She cried throwing the bottle of alcohol at the closet wall.

She could feel a small tingle run through her body, soon she felt as though she couldn't move. Her body was now flat against the cold floor. She held her eyes open till she couldn't, she felt calm her body felt weightless. The small light behind her eyes started to fade and the last thing she heard was the sound of a voice she would never forget calling her name.

—

"Baby!" Chanyeol gasped running into the room his knees hitting the hard floor, but he felt nothing. "No no no!" He cried shaking her lifeless body. Junmyeon, Minseok, and Yixing stood in the doorway their hands covering their face. "Wake up!" He begged shaking her harder, but he got nothing. Nothing could describe the pain that anyone felt at the moment. "Baby please! Dammit, wake up!" He yelled slapping her across the face.

"Yeol, she is gone," Junmyeon whispered placing his hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder, trying not to let his tears fall down his face. Chanyeol violently shook his hand off his shoulder.

"My love I am here, I am so sorry," he cried pulling her body up into his arms and holding her and tight as he could. "Please wake up!" He yelled.

"I can't watch this," Sehun said walking away from the room, Jongin, Kyungsoo, Baekhyn and Jongdae also left. They knew about her, everyone knew about her, how amazing of a person she was. Everyone could only dream to be as good as she is... Was.

Junmyeon, Minseok and Yixing watched as Chanyeol cried holding her body. Everything in them fading along with her.


	2. The Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chanyeol finally makes a move to visit the love of his life, for the first time in years. Will he be okay? Only time will tell.

Surreal. That's what this felt like. How many times had he attempted to come here? Dozens. Only to break down in his car on the long, black paved road that wound in and out of the county cemetery. He was never quite prepared, he wouldn't ever be prepared to see... that. A lot of people thought he was being ridiculous, not being able to face reality, to have it smack him in the face the way it would. Over the years, how long had it been? 4? 5 years now? This was the farthest he'd come to actually stepping anywhere near the headstone. Chanyeol had grown older now, 3 years shy of 35 years old, time, tears, stress all had worn his usually ageless features into slightly weathered ones. Lines became more obvious, the light in his eyes had dimmed, stars had burned out in the deep brown orbs a long, long time ago. A heavy swallow, he looked down at his weather beaten shoes, toes barely touched the line that the concrete created against the green, immaculately cut grass. Such a contrast, such irony as well, such lively colors decorated the cemetery for those whom were dead. A tear fell from long eyelashes, dripping immediately upon the toe of his shoe, a droplet, singular, it wouldn't be alone for very long. 

It was strange, he always pictured how he'd say goodbye to her, how that would play out in his head because it was inevitable. The goodbye was always something he knew was going to be the constant. Chanyeol just figured… it would himself that would be dying and not her. The tightness in his chest only got worse, it looked like it was raining on his shoes now, only on his shoes. His vision was blurred as he shakily shifted one of his feet to cross the threshold from pavement to grass, feeling each blade crunch under the weight of him. He pulled his foot back to the ground, as if he’d been burned before looked up, the tears streamed down his face as he made eye contact with the actual stone from where he stood. He could see the perfectly shaped wooden cross, the name of his lover carved across the front. There was nothing else on it, no one else knew what to put. Chanyeol had toyed with the idea of putting something else but he knew it would make no difference, it would still be her headstone, She would still be dead and Chanyeol would continue to wish it was him instead. "I can't do this." he spoke, his voice cracking hard, as if it hadn't been used in months. 

He still lived in Seoul. Still in his same apartment. He refused to move on, move away, start again. His heart was here, with the woman and he hated himself for leaving when he did. He felt so stupid for being mad at her, he wanted to take it all back and leave her home. But... Abandoning his girlfriend? Her love was his life and now she was dead so what did that make him? A shell. An empty container walking about the earth without anything remotely working inside. "It's not right!" he yelled, fingers curling into fists as he did so, he was angry, it was him that was suppose to be dying, dead, forgotten. How dare she leave him! Leave him all alone… "It's not right..." he swallowed, looking around the area to see no one else. Franklin turned to look again at the stone, reaching up with his hands to wipe at his face, taking a breath in and steeling himself to begin walking towards the stone. He refused to heed the warning of the grass crunching under his shoes, he didn’t care, he wasn't leaving here without doing this and dammit he was doing it. 

It took the man no time at all fall down to his knees in front of the sun bleached cross, a shaking hand came out to trace along the letters. Dark chocolate colored eyes followed his digit along them, tears still falling from his eyes as he did so, he felt helpless, lost, alone, scared… he didn't want to be here, he didn't want this to be real, he didn't want to do this. "B-baby..." he whispered softly, sniffling, "I...I miss you." he swallowed, leaning his forehead to the cool yet firm wood. Strangely, the temperature soothed him a bit, recalling how her skin was a bit colder than his own, always was, always had been, that was a comfort to him. He missed that. Comfort. The contrast. Her. He missed her. His palm flattened to the edge, "I sh-should have stayed..." he whispered, his eyes had closed now, he felt like if he just stayed there like that… he could just pretend that she was there, that his forehead was pressed to the woman's back and he was just... talking to her. More tears leaked from his eyes, he knew his imagination would put him there, that close to her again because it was the only way he could sooth himself but god did it hurt. To know he couldn't open his eyes to look into her beautiful orbs, to know he couldn't kiss those lips, hold her hand… "I shouldn't have gotten mad." he sobbed, fingers curling into the hard surface, his heart hurt quite literally right now. Each beat was just pushing pain through him, he couldn't breathe, this was killing him. "Come back home..." he whimpered, his legs curled up closer to him as he found himself losing the battle, he couldn't do this anymore. He wanted her back, needed her back, he could barely sleep and he couldn't eat, he couldn't work, he couldn't even get out of bed most mornings... He couldn't. 

Chanyeol sat up away from the grass to quickly push his hand into the jacket he was wearing, pulling out a small velvet pouch with a draw string closure. He fiddled with it for a moment before pulling it open, pouring the contents into his hand. He gazed down upon the silver band, diamond shimmer in the light, fingers pinched it so he could pick it up, showing it to the headstone, "You need to come back home so I can make you mine for the rest of my life." he spoke, he'd been waiting years, hoping, praying, cursing whatever was up there and down to give him his love back. It was useless he knew, the begging, pleading, praying… He would remain waiting, he'd probably die waiting, but he wouldn’t stop waiting for her to come home. 

When Chanyeol went home later on he had grass stains on his clothes, he'd laid down, silently talking to the ground as if the other could hear him that way. He had honestly no clue if she was there, in Heaven, or wherever else he may have ended up but Franklin was here, on this earth, forever bound to this life. He'd stripped himself of his jacket, tossing it to the hamper before pulling out something to read, naturally his hundreds of books went to waste over the years for he'd only read a select few. The ones she wrote. The ones she poured her heart into. Why? Because those words weren't his own, they were hers. That authors note in the beginning? Not his, Hers. Those heart wrenching words caught on paper, resounding in his thoughts throughout the days? Hers. He'd fall asleep curled on his sofa, barely able to keep tears away from his eyes as he read every single word on every page, it was his only connection to her now and he clung to it like his life depended on it. 

Because… it did. 


	3. The Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW//suicidal tendencies.

My Love,

It feels different today. 

I'm not sure how I feel about the distance that's between us now — how I've managed to go on without you. 

I often find myself spending so much time looking through albums, watching home videos, smelling each of your shirts wishing you were here.

Wishing you were still my girlfriend. 

And still here to share the life we had planned together. Part of me is still afraid of moving on. I still feel bound to you. 

But I also know that staying stuck in this wishful, loyal stage won't change a thing. 

I've been doing my absolute best from the beginning to work on acceptance - so that I can go on without you. I've made so many decisions without you by my side. I'm so afraid of forgetting you existed. Forgetting to try to keep you alive. 

Everything I've tried to do is simply not enough. I find it hard to understand why things happened the way they did - why you were chosen to get sick and not me. 

I spend each and every day yearning for you and loving you more than ever.

Today as I woke up I remembered our first date, when everything started. It was love at first sight...for me anyway. It took weeks for me to convince you to see me again - if it wasn't for my obnoxious singing to you I don't think I would have gotten the chance to feel real love. 

I miss you, baby. I miss you every single minute...second...hour. Often times I forget you're gone and I turn around to kiss you - only to come to the painful realization that you are no longer there. 

Today would have been your thirty first birthday - and as painful as it is not being able to celebrate with you today, I hope where ever you may be, you're having the time of your life. You are and will always be the love of my life. I miss you, jagiya. 

I’ll be with you soon.

— PCY

—x—x—x—

"Jagiya, what would have we done?"  
Chanyeol spoke softly, as if he didn't want to disturb her. However, she wasn't asleep; she had closed her eyes to hear the sea sound breaking against the shore and the breeze that caressed their skin.

Some time ago, Chanyeol had wanted to be like the breeze, not only because it was free, but also because it could touch her skin with no guilt.

But he no longer felt jealous of the breeze, or the oxygen she breathed, or the water that slid down her skin. He could touch her now; He was selfish, yes, but he could touch her. He couldn't have gone to his grave without tasting that nectar of her body, or that sweetness of her soft lips.

"Hmm?" she mumbled, opening her eyes, holding him a little closer to herself, Chanyeol’s back pressed to her chest. At her age of 25, she had lived through so many horrors and had been so afraid of losing her loved ones, that having him there made her want to never let go of him.

And he didn't want her to do it.

They had little time and he had wasted too much.

Chanyeol felt a lump in his throat.

"What would have we done in a world without time?"

She sighed. Day after day she had wondered exactly the same question, and so many others.

What would have she done in a world without time? In a world where her she wouldn't have died ... And still, one where Chanyeol had wrapped his arms around her.

But maybe she had no choice: it was one thing or the other.

"I don't know" she lied. She didn't want to overwhelm him by letting him know what she thought ... They had enough with wanting it and not being able to have it.

But Chanyeol was stubborn and he wanted to know.

"Do you want me to tell you what would I have done?" he asked. He heard her nod behind him, her chin resting on his head, rubbing that dark brown hair that was now a little longer than before. "The first thing ... I would never have asked you to cut your hair."

She made a laughing sound that made Chanyeol smile. 

"Why did you ask me to do it?"  
He fell silent for a moment.

"Chanyeol?" she insisted, pressing her hand against his chest. He laced his fingers with hers.

"Because Sehun liked it."

She moaned again. It was her way of laughing, her way of telling Chanyeol she was happy; and he would never get tired of seeing her like that.

In such a cruel world, happiness was scandalous and fleeting. But with her, it was like the rose that grew in the winter.  
"What else would have you done?" the woman asked. Chanyeol straightened up to sit next to her and make her rest against his chest this time. He liked her hair's scent, he liked putting his nose in her head and tickle her; she didn't laugh, but he enjoyed watching her shudder under his breath, to feel her skin crawling under his fingers.

"We would have gone with Junmyeon to travel the world, after asking your step-father for permission. I would have courted you; I'd have stolen kisses from you when your parents weren't around ... Maybe I'd have kidnapped you to take you somewhere nobody could find us."

Her eyes moistened.

She was lucky Chanyeol couldn't see her.  
Time. Just time. She only thought about the time they had left and the time they didn't have. The time they were wasting sitting there; the time they could never make up.  
—  
A heavy breathing. A bleeding hand holding on to another.  
—  
Chanyeol continued after rubbing her hair with his lips.

"I would've been happy and I would have married you."

She wept silently. She wanted him to shut up; There was no point in talking about it.  
Chanyeol had always been good at hurting her, even if he didn't notice. And still, he was the only one allowed to do it and get out unharmed.

Wishes. Longing for what could have been and was not ... They were like knives that stabbed her over and over again.

"Don't leave me again, my heart can’t take it ..."

"We would have lived in a cabin in the mountains, just like I wanted." she dared to say. She herself had been amazed to be able to say a word.

Chanyeol laughed, kissing her head once more.

"No. I'm not as calm as you." he murmured against her hair, so that only she could hear him. There was no one around, but Chanyeol had always felt a particular pleasure in speaking only to her so not even the wind could hear him.

It calmed her down.

Because she was trembling slightly and he knew why. He was not as dense as before: Chanyeol had learned to read her; not only her skin, but also her soul.

The bond that bound them was stronger than anything else.

"Don't take off your necklace, jagi. It's yours, remember? I gave it to you."  
A broken voice and a sweet and shy smile.  
"It's okay, Yeol."

"You'll let your hair grow again?" he asked, his arms wrapped around her. He could hear her breathing, and she hear his; rhythmic, calmed breathing, like the water breaking against the shore.  
"Maybe."  
"If we finally meet on the other side, would you marry me?"

She sobbed. She wasn't so optimistic about it.  
But she didn't answer.

And although it hurt him, he knew it was better not to insist.

Chanyeol always believed that he would die first.

Lulled by the breeze and the sea song, both of them closed their eyes.

"Baby?"  
"Hmm?"  
"... Have I told you how much I love you?"  
"Yes. But I love to hear it often."  
Chanyeol smiled broadly.  
"I love you."  
She turned to him, cupping his face in her hands and kissed him sweetly.  
"I love you too, Chanyeol."

—x—x—x—

This continued on until his was a faded ‘I-’. He was alone, but soon after he began to get a feeling of drowning. It felt like he was being pushed under water and pulled back up. He’d fade in and out. When he faded out, he saw nothing, felt nothing, and thought of nothing. When he faded in, he went over their love story on replay.

He went down, and this time he wasn’t coming up. Not now, not tomorrow. Not ever.

“Always.”


End file.
